Changing lives..., continued
Here I was again in the worst possible imagining we all have as parents, our child in danger, and the possible loss of our child. I watched as Happyanne became well-informed about her cancer and all the options, choices, alternatives that were being offered by the conventional route of medicine and the complementary healing modalities. There was a powerful healing circle for her here in Richmond in June to bring her strength for her journey. Many women whose births I had been present for attended the healing circle as well as rallying immense support throughout.
Happyanne made decisions based on questions and answers and intuition. She was an awe-inspiring advocate for herself and when she needed me to help her, with her permission I spoke and questioned and helped her to get clarification. She made choices to do conventional healing, complementary healing, and spiritual healing. She had a compassionate and reasonable primary care-provider who respected her decision-making process as he became fully aware of her as a person not just as his patient.
She spent the rest of the summer in and out of the hospital for 5-6 days at a time for in-patient chemotherapy, as well as being under the care of different providers from other modalities.
In September she underwent 11 hours of surgery to remove the tumor which left her with a titanium femur and a total hip replacement, spending 21 days in the hospital.
Happyanne did not spend one moment alone at any time during her hospital stays. Primarily it was me or Jamie, her partner, splitting the 24 hours and the rest of the time being rounded out by her siblings, her dad, or my partner, Paul.
Her rooms were made to look like home. A poster created by Chances hung on the outside of her door stating that only positive, healing energy be allowed to enter the room. She had a blanket that I had made her covering her bed. Affirmations that she had created hung on the walls along with other pieces of artwork that had been created by others in the family or by many in the community. We brought a lamp from home. She wore her own clothes. When anyone on the hospital staff came into her room the effect was immediate--there was a respect and a reverence that seemed to pass through them.
She came home to my house with Jamie and worked to learn to walk and be healthy again. She was told in October that the surgery had gotten all of the cancer and she once again made the well-informed decision not to continue with anymore chemotherapy. She continued with her many different physical therapies and with the many complementary healing modalities she was involved with to make herself stronger and healthier.
On December 1st Happy and Jamie moved into their own place and began what I call "The Month of Grace". She laughed, she loved, she was strong, she was beautiful, she was walking with crutches, and she was planning the future with Jamie.
Everything started to change in January and on the 30th it was officially known that the cancer had returned and had spread. Again my powerful, awesome child planned on living and went about as best as the pain would allow. She let us to do a lot of the research and then give her the information. She made the decision to forgo once again what the doctors were recommending, choosing instead to leave the country to seek alternative treatments. We had another smaller, life-altering healing circle led by a shaman.
Happyanne never left the country. On February 18, 2006 at 1:35 pm with all of us surrounding her in her home, holding her, my baby, my child, my 25 year-old woman, my eldest daughter passed from this life. You all must have felt it. The earth must have stopped, jolting all of you at that moment when my beloved Happyanne's spirit left her body and transcended this reality, this planet.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because I must. Because I know that all of my life's work was bringing me to those moments. I can honestly say that had I not done the work of birth advocacy for so many years, specifically attending hospital births, I would not have been able to go through the months of doctor’s appointments, clinic appointments, hospital stays, therapy appointments, research, and ultimately a home death.
When I stand in front of women in a workshop and tell you that the true definition of advocacy is helping the woman have her own voice that that is true empowerment--it is the Truth. Happyanne was POWERFUL! She was her own best advocate. She educated medical personnel all along the way by helping them realize their choice of words. When she was "greeted" by a doctor once with the words, "Are you the biopsy?", she responded with, "I am the person here today for the biopsy." We helped create a "safe" space around her so she could ask questions and have her needs met.
For me ... I had to leave my emotions outside the room. Yes, "My EGO" and thankfully I knew this because I am not sure that the hospital where she spent so much time would be standing now had I not known how to bite my tongue, use the "three-second rule" ... phrase questions so that they would be received in the way we wanted then to be heard. All things I teach during the labor assistant workshop.
And what did I do for myself during these incredibly sad years of my children's lives? I allowed others to care for me outside of those rooms. I cried, I stormed, I vented anger, injustices, fear and horror. I was constantly feeling the life-threatening pressure. Had it not been for the support of, first and foremost, Paul and my dearest friends, as well as the
enormous community support that made it known to the entire family. I could not have walked back into the room with Happyanne and given her what she needed, which was a strong sense of calm and a reassuring presence.
I have always said that this work is about much more than the birth of a baby. It is about Life. It is about being an aware and active participant in your own life as well as in others. It is about questioning, informing, intuiting, and being supportive. It is about creating a safe space for yourself and for all who touch your life, whether it be for a moment or for a lifetime, such as is the case with our children.
Again why do I tell you this? Because it is the power of the choice that you have made to be a part of the most sacred of works, assisting in pregnancy and birth. It is transforming your lives in ways that may not be evident at the moment, maybe snapshots here and there. There really is nothing more important than helping a woman birth her baby into the world with dignity, love, and grace. With that experience, she will raise awareness in herself, those around her and in her children, who will carry it forward in magnificent ways. You will be transformed because you will see the benefits to how this can be applied to daily life.
I know as I helped Happyanne throughout, right up until the moment of her passing, I was using so many of the same words that I had used so many times before in birth: "You are safe", "You are strong", “You are doing it", "You are stronger than the pain". I desperately would have preferred that it had been a baby that was coming, but it was not, and yet it was all so familiar.
There is a deep, dark hole in my life forever that opened on the day Rhythm passed. There is a deeper, darker hole in my life forever that opened on the day Happyanne died. I am not far enough in the grieving process to see the "lessons", the "gifts" in all of this, though I have an awareness of them. What I am keenly aware of, and so is my family, is that the work that I have been given to do in my life is so very important in so many profound ways and I/we will be doing it for the rest of our lives in one way or another. In honor of both Happyanne and Rhythm, and because of our understanding of the transformational power of the labor assistant workshops, we have decided to create a scholarship fund at the toLabor office--the Rhythm and All The Saints Scholarship Fund.
We would like to be able to offer the workshop to women who are in need of some financial assistance and would not otherwise be able to participate. Chances and Gwenhyfar give their full support to this idea and we all believe that Happyanne would as well, as she experienced the benefit first-hand of being empowered by love, support, and information. If you are interested in making a donation of any size, please use the links on the side of this screen.
Thank you for all that you have taught me and graced me with through the years. My life as well as my family’s lives has been deeply enriched with all of it. Peace.
Thérèse Hak-Kuhn, Director toLabor