On August 31, 1980 I became involved in birth in a profound way--I gave birth to my first child, Happyanne All The Saints, and my life was forever changed. I went on to birth five more children and my transformation deepened and continued. I started attending births professionally in 1992 and have since been privileged to participate in hundreds of births. In 1996 an additional pathway was opened to me--the opportunity to facilitate the labor assistant training workshops for ALACE.

I have since seen the "birth" and continued growth of hundreds of women as they embrace the power and opportunity to be "agents of change", vessels for transforming experiences in the people they work with as well as in themselves. All of these experiences were leading me to the greatest challenges of my life thus far.

In the summer of 2004, my second child, Chances, announced that he and his partner, Gwenhyfar, were expecting a baby in early 2005. They planned a homebirth in Colorado. There are so many emotions attached to hearing that your child will be having a child, that your child will be a parent. But my emotions, my thoughts, my ideas had to be put quietly aside. I played the same role as when I am hired by a client. There were many opportunities to listen, to breathe, to bite my tongue, and only answer what was asked of me, as well as remind them that if there was anything they needed or wanted from me, I was there for them. The mantra in my head was one I teach in workshops, "This is their birth not mine".

On February 1, 2005, Rhythm Osiris Shivaiya was born but did not take a breath into this life. To say that this shattered the world would be understating my feelings. Life altered in a profound way. Here I was mother of six children--five born at home (Chances was my first homebirth), attendant at hundreds of homebirths, teacher, believer in the normalcy of pregnancy and birth and, yes, believer that there is risk inherent in just being alive and then this happens right in my own family.

I was given the absolute honor to come and stay with Chances and Gwenhyfar for an extended time during the initial grieving. I had to put aside myself and what I felt and be there as the listener for them. For Gwenhyfar, with the empty womb, empty arms, and full breasts. For Chances, with the empty arms, incomplete dreams. What they taught me, what they shared with me was truly a privilege--a heartbreaking, heart-aching honor.

I also had to be an ear, to have a readiness for the needs of Chances' brothers and sisters, both the immediate need and the long term effects. How would this impact their view on birth? Birth was something they had also grown up with as normal, that they had already witnessed themselves. And for me, how would it impact me as a birth assistant? As a facilitator/teacher?

The process is a continuum but I can tell you that Chances, Gwenhyfar, my children and I believe in homebirth, believe in birth. Many things have been "learned" and undoubtedly more to come as Rhythm will always be with us.

Four months later, at the end of May 2005, my daughter, Happyanne was diagnosed with osteosarcoma, cancer of the bone in her left femur. At the time I was given the opportunity by the wonderful women at ALACE to put out a request in Special Delivery for healing thoughts and prayers for Happyanne's recovery. The response was immediate and overwhelming in the most positive sense of that word. Happyanne and the entire family were extremely moved.

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